disintegrate

rate

u noe desember 2 years after i last write my last entry .. i realised im still having the same problems bt jz with different ppl... im still evading my problems, i still hate confrontations, i still think its sickening to conform with the crowd.... geez desember i cant help but think but feel like i will go tru this all my life... i need to learn to be more adaptable and like ive said.. cant wait for everyone to listen to me ... bcz life do not revolves ard me eh... so how do i den make these feelings of discomfort and stress goes away and leaves me be..... hw can i not lose it and tell these ppl off desember.....

heys desember, ive lost touch to writing but of course whats new in my life eh??? i reckon ive lost touch to everytin in my life desember, even myself... lost in these condescending strange werld.... too perfect for u to conform with, too hard to please, i tried gettin over it ... however im old enuf to realise... that not everyday i was able to get tru this and endure all these ironies in life...these peculiar pedicment that contradicts with ur principles...so everyday is a choice of discarding wat u belief against what is the actual reality that perpetually screams out at me.. that i am indeed wrong .. and i shld move on... well the werld doesnt revolves ard me does it... rambles rambles.... he says i whinge too much and ders nutin else he cld do abt it.. well u wont tell me to stop if im whingin continously will u desember.... forget it...i jz wan sum peace... an easy way out.. i used to sleep tru my probs... i wake up , feel better and try lookin at things at a better perspective ( though that happens on rare occassion), on most days... i sweep all these under the rug.. hopin that when i wake up i can eventually evade them, not face them....on a lighter note... everyone is pregnant.. not like its affecting me.... but sumwat i can sense its tensing everyone all ard us... see!! i told u... the need to conform.... why cant we jz be where we are.. bcz i like wher we are... hell who cares bout ppl say.. they say if its time to be one.. and ave one u ave one!! so whats the bloody rush for... well he dint say any of this of coz.. paranoia alwiz get the better of me .. and i start building all this negative thots that try to werk defensively againts those who wants me to conform which i obviously dread...
rite bout now desember , i really wish i was 15.... simply make my way to school, do my hw, study for my exams, ave crappy frens dat u cant simply lean on, well at least they are farni ... if u noe wat i mean.... get home, sleep and study sumore, watch tv... listen conscientiously to the radio for the latest music.. i mean... that was simple wasnt it... that was wen i was 15... ten years down the road wich is priti much now.... hormonal issues to deal with (not like i was less hormonal wen i was a teenager), problems ur expected to solve, fats that wont go away. pay bills that arent even urs, migraines, migraines, migraines!, understand, compromise for everyone ard u.. well its ur life and it revolves ard ppl but wat rite do they ave to take away this simplicity of happiness u yearn for?????

there was a time back wen i was 15, i asked myself whats it gonna be like 10 years down the road.. i for once obviously dint see this one... not like i had a clear mental picture of what i really want either.. but u noe wat i mean....

im hittin my big 25 in 3 days... can i blame it on quarter life crisis :)

no noe to be the punching bag;
no one to be the pillow to break her fall nimore....

its been a while since the last entry eh desember,

perhaps bcz things ave been better
thots are less entangled;
wants and needs are clearly differentiated;
ive grown to understand, if not all, well at least most of him
ive learnt tat doin sumtings i dun like wont kill me afterall heh :)
ideas have becum clearer
dreams remains wat they are......
adore u damn too much sweetheart

*listening to here with me :- dido

i cant help but stare constantly at this blank page.... typing and deleting my entries ave becume more routined...... i feel that life cldnt struck u as more ambivalent and baffling eh.... i feel like i shld jz raise my hands up high and tell them ive lost, im surrendring, i cant do this animore, and its too hard... i jz need to break a fall...and get myself away from the cliche of life that takes on day to day....go away rain, go away and let the sunshine come in to stay...... ironically i luv the ripples the rain makes in a puddle, sheeze whadahell am i rambling desember, hw is it someone so close yet can be so distinctly far from u... is it jz u... is it????shld it be jz u who jz let go......shld every instances and mistakes cums with a forgive and forget code..... lets forgive and forget and start afresh....but where do we start , how do we even begin what was started, the inflicted pain that ran too deep, hw can starting afresh eliminate all that happened..... hw can forgive and forget be so easy ... too simple to claim.....

admist the thick and thin and at times wen the thick peculiar times jz tend to stick in and u tink life ave no more purpose and u feel that the last ounce of happiness ave been ripped out, when u felt everyone had already left and that u never felt more alone den ever, and the countless moments and minutes that u thot u've just waited in vain..... the times u thot he already would walked out and give up....*sigh
hes been der all along desember even tru the sticky hard times or the many times i waited.....hes been there wen i turn he jz stood by me .... i miss u soo much dear

suppresion of anger seems like 14 all over again...being mad at the dad...and unable to say what i feel.... ive came out of that shell and became more assertive with my feelings but...10 years later...i cowered back to the web and return to the person i once was.... uncertain....insecured.....not strong enough to pull the plug and tell him, enuf is enuf..... cant do that.... sum sorta strong resistance is up against me...cnt fite it ...gota give in..jz too drained out